Letter To The ED KCCA; My New Taxi

To; The Executive Director Kampala Capital City Authority.

Dear Madam Jennifer Musisi,

The events have been many since I last wrote you a letter. Lukwago is no more, the city has new roads and people like Ssebagala and Ssematimba are already gearing up for the Lord Mayor’s seat.

Clearly, as I indicated in the past letter, I would only be able to write another if I could afford the ink. Gladly, my financials now read good so I might be doing this more often.

As I have indicated, my financials have grown and like any other hardworking citizen cum focused corporate, I am inclined to look for an investment option. I need a place where I can put my money to make more money. Seeing as you are the head of the city, I cannot purport to make that choice without seeking your valuable counsel.

I picked good interest in the transport sector of the city. I get, you might be shocked at this, I think public transport is a place I would love to go and I have been thinking hard about buying myself a good taxi. Before I buy that taxi though, I want to fully understand the rules of the game;

First things first, can you help me get the President to launch my taxi on the road? I need a selfie opportunity with him as he swerves the door of my taxi open. We can close off a few roads to have this launch, I’ll be glad if that is sorted fast and quick.

If and when I buy the taxi, do I really need to stress with getting a driving permit? I mean, I could go all out raw and learn on the job like many of my foes in the taxi world are doing. For example can’t I just be entrusted with the lives of 14 passengers from Kamwokya to town? It’s a small stretch I can do it without a permit, right? I will chip in the traffic officers with a tip once in a while.

I also want to know when it is perfect enough to offload passengers. Can I, incase I am tired, stop the taxi half the journey and chase out the passengers? If I load them from the city centre for Kireka in the night, I assume it will be perfect for me to branch off at Nakawa to my home and let the stranded hitchhikers fix the puzzle themselves.

ED, I would also like to get these transport fares right. Can I set new ones for each route every morning? If for example, I have no money to afford ‘Maama Kato’s’ food am I allowed to do a route at any price to raise that amount? I mean, I could charge 1000shs. from the city to Jinja road, then 2000shs. for the entire journey to Nakawa. The passengers don’t really matter in this equation, the economy is hard and they also know this.

I really plan on importing a second hand taxi. From conversations I have had with my fellow taxi touts, you really don’t mind if the seats are in check or not. Infact, I have had a look at it and about four seats have big metals popping out. Its not really my intention to ruin peoples dresses and trousers but they ought to be careful, right? Yes!! They ought to.

I will also pretend that you are going to be fine with me having a few headlights non-functional. The window glasses really don’t slide but don’t worry, the passengers wont suffocate, I will get my conductor to open his door every three seconds to look for passengers. That’s sorted.

Also on that query, can I be allowed to rest when I have just a few passengers in my taxi? I mean, if I have three out of the requisite 14, I need to park at the Mulago stage and wait for it to fill up. Again, the passengers don’t really have to matter in this. I am the investor.

ED, in my home, I listen to music from full-powered big speakers, like those you see at the concerts. Is it an inconvenience if I fix two of those in my taxi? The city has to feel the pomp of my taxi. In my defence, I can say that I am attracting a younger crowd of passengers. I can also slot in once in a while a KCCA advert to break away from the loud Jamaican dancehall music I intend to play.

Before I forget, on this money collection thing, is it acceptable – if a passenger doesn’t pay me my money – to grab and beat the rascal to pulp? How do you not pay me in these hard economic times? I mean, we really don’t need the police to sort that small tiny matter out or do we?

The last query, is it acceptable for me to just keep switching lanes fwaa? The traffic jam of this city is really too much and I am a time conscious investor. I need the lease to switch lanes and at times drive on the wrong side of the road, borrow the pavements, hoot at unsuspecting pedestrians, abuse the motorcycle guyand wave at the traffic cop. I am sure you understand what I mean.

Also, can KCCA compensate the people I might knock while I swerve potholes on the road? Its only fair that we share the burdens of this public transport mess.

Consider my questions. Give them a real good thought.

 

Yours

Prospective Taxi Investor